Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
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Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!