Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
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I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist