A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
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Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Canadian owl: Eh?
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages