[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
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Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Air conditioning – not a fan
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun