My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
No. He’s not coming out to play
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.