Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
You Might Also Like
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.