“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
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I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]