After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
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Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.