ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
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When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
March 16
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
honestly, i need both:
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*