How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
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Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
bury ourselves
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”