“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
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[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.