grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
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*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”