Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
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[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
That’s classic.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire