So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
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I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
my name if I was in the mob
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.