My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
You Might Also Like
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
BRO LMFAO
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray