ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
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If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently