I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
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Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.