[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
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If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?