In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
You Might Also Like
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.