Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
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Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Pickled cat.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days