thinking about a very short hotdog
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[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo