the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
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just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York