Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
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Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too