If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
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HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Yep.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
The old gods are rising again.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
girls literally only want one thing..
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.