don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
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dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.