public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
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$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD