Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
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Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!