[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
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i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
an airline just for babies.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.