When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
You Might Also Like
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.