Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
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[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
#FunnyLife Insects