*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
You Might Also Like
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.