Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
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Ooh I do like a good funnel
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Don’t talk down to me
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.