Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
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If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.