Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
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[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!