Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
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Twitter remains undefeated
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Me in tagged photos
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
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*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog