Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
You Might Also Like
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.