My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
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If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
[shakes fist at other fist]
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances: