You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
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*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I’ve had relationships like this
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.