SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
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LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you