Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
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I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.