people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
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Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Lmao
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.