[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
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Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”