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Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Happens to everyone.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”