Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
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Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Life hack
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
me and my fake scenarios
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink