Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
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I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.