Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
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I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar