Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
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My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
my fav colour is also hitler
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you