“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
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Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
meow
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.