Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
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Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
the official breakfast of 2021
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?