“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
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this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*